I Am Who I Have To Be

Reading this book sparked some thoughts and feelings about my life patterns.

I have sat in a quiet moment and thought about all those things we tend to think

and rethink over and over. Some things I never got to do, never chose to do

and things I crossed off my list years ago.

I always awaken early in the morning before anyone else is stirring around.

I will be starting a new phase in life soon, another move (I have lived in the home

I am in for 12 years). I was married when I moved here and I went thru a divorce

here also. I met Brian while I lived here, watched my daughter grow up here.

She turned 16, then 21 here and I in turn turned the 4-0 and the 5-0 here also.

I lost myself and found my self in this home. (I figured out alot of things living here in this space.)

I have taken up journaling again, trying to remember the joys I had as a child

and the relationships that shaped me to who I am now.There are boxes and boxes

of photos, old polaroids of me and dad and mom and hard relationships that forced

me to make decisions  that led me to where I am now. Oh how I realize now

that I would not change those decisions for anything for what I have gotten out

of this place I have arrived.

I lived in Colorado for a time and lately, I have found myself revisiting

those places- and that time again and again. I remember many days being

an adventure just to be able to drive out to somewhere and get out and

explore the land and mountains, the sun and snow and trails that lay before

me. I will never forget those times when the sun was high and I was blessed

to walk into the forest and mountains and alongside the Colorado river.

I find myself yearning to return to that place again. Just that feeling of the unknown adventure.

     **

 We will be returning to Colorado and Utah this summer as we always  do.           

            I look forward to those warm days with the high sun and the cool mountain breezes.                


     I will make the most of my time there. There was a time when I planned to live there and

make              

   a new life there, but I soon found out that I was living my life and to get on with it now. So I did 

and           

  here I am in all this good stuff I have now everyday. Family, friends, love, work, this space I have

here with you all. The content of my life is full. I have discovered who I am after all these days of

living. Of making choices to do and not to do. Of finding delight in this stage of it all. I will not get

ahead of the moment and worry about tomorrow. I will be be happy in today. I will not pretend that

my life is a result of uncontrollable events, because I have been there every moment to make the

choices I have made. I am who I ought to be, I feel the tug from my soul to live truthfully, to say

these things aloud. I am who I have to be.

Joining Project Alicia, Black and White Wednesday,Wordless Wednesday But With Words,

**P52:Self Portrait, Live and Love Out Loud